When did he grow up?

Last night Kieran was having a rough night. He woke up crying and had a bit of a stuffy nose. For a two year old, a stuffy nose is no fun. He doesn't understand why he can't breath very well and even asks "what's wrong with my nose?" It would all be so much better if he could learn to blow his nose and be done with it. The second time he woke crying, I went back into his room, picked him up out of his bed along with his blanket and friends i.e. most beloved stuffed animals, Hippity the frog and bunny the bunny. We rocked in the rocking chair and cuddled. Then I looked down at him and my heart sank. I didn't see the baby who I was so used to holding in my arms. The baby who not all that long ago, held in my arms most nights until he fell asleep. This was as recent as January and February of this year. I saw a boy. My eyes welled up with tears and they streamed down my cheeks. How did this happen? How did he grow up to be this boy with out me even realizing. it? Then my heart started to ache and hurt. I realized that for the past year I have just been trying to survive in life. Through a difficult pregnancy of being sick all the time to struggling with postpartum. I have been doing whatever it takes to just survive. Have I really even been living? I ask myself and honestly I don't know. Most days I just feel numb with little emotion or overwhelming emotion, not much in between. I don't want to go through life just trying to survive with one day realizing my kids have grown up even more. I want to thrive and flourish. I want to live.